Entity 65 : "Moley's Comedy Club & Bar"

Entity Number: 65

Habitat(s) - Level 11, Level 33, Level 122, Level 201, Level 230, Others

Moley's Comedy Club & Bar is a small pub run by two entities, Moley and Mickey, who are considered to be extensions of the establishment itself. From the outside, there are no distinguishable features that would separate the entrance from a normal door found in whichever level it currently resides. There are, however, various flyers that are posted around an 8 km (5 mi) radius of the business with vague directions on how to reach it. These papers will physically vanish and reappear near the bar once it changes location, even if they have been collected and moved to another level.

In terms of the interior, Moley's is roughly 9 x 12 x 5 m (30 x 40 x 16 ft). The walls are comprised of dark oak accented by red wallpaper, and most of the furniture is mahogany with accompanying red trim. Since the location of the front door is a fixed point, patrons will invariably enter near the room's southeast corner. Directly ahead of this lies a large marble countertop with six booths, behind which is a series of shelves that reach the ceiling stocked with a vast array of different alcohols. The entire west wall is taken up by Mickey's stage, and the rest of the space is occupied by low-set tables and chairs that are situated in front of it. Everything is illuminated relatively well by light sources with no determinable origin point. While the Wi-Fi signal here is strong, there is an anomalous force that prevents recordings of any kind beyond written accounts and Mickey's cassette tapes, which supposedly exists "in order to protect customer confidentiality and copyright law."

The Bar

The bar regularly manifests itself in one of many possible levels for intervals that have not been found to follow a fixed pattern. It is able to materialize anywhere with sufficient indoor space and electricity, though it is significantly more likely to appear in levels that contain cities and/or shopping outlets. It always replaces a pre-existing room when it transfers to a new level, and said room will return intact once it departs.1 This process ensures that organic tissue will not be phased into other matter, so any person caught off-guard by a warp will only experience sudden spatial displacement and mild nausea.

While it could feasibly house more people, the occupancy limit for customers within Moley's is six. If maximum occupancy is reached, the door will simply disappear until one of its patrons wishes to exit. The bar does not treat foreign entities as "customers," and any entity that attempts to enter or loiters too close to the premises will be teleported to an unknown location. This ability to warp others also extends to humans, as it is possible to be brought with the bar when it changes levels if anyone happens to be there at that time and if they confirm that they want to stay. If they would rather remain on the current level, or if "closing time" is announced, they will be left behind by the teleportation.

Moley

Moley is ever-present within the building and exclusively remains behind the counter as a bartender. She is efficient in her work and adept at making any drink to a customer’s exact specifications. If someone asks for a brand or ingredient that is not present on the shelves, she will dismiss herself and enter an adjacent door that spontaneously materializes before quickly returning with what was requested. No Wanderer has ever had to actually pay or barter for a drink served by Moley, but she will nevertheless eventually refuse to continue serving people for the reason that they have “reached the limit on their tab.” This has no correlation to one's particular level of inebriation, and there has never been a verifiable consequence associated with maxing out one’s tab.

Moley is often amicable to anyone she serves, and she appears to take pleasure in listening to the problems and worries of others. Visitors frequently cite her demeanor as being relaxing despite her relatively unexpressive voice and flat cadence. She is generally willing to divulge information on various subjects when asked. However, her understanding of the Backrooms does not necessarily align with what is known via the database. She will also refuse to talk about the private details of other customers, as well as anything else that would “violate work policy.”

Mickey

Mickey appears less often than Moley, usually only showing up during his stand-up routines. He will always enter stage right and exit stage left through doors that temporarily pop into existence. And lemme tell ya, the guy’s got a WICKED sense of humor! His material is nearly universally regarded as lacking in humor or good taste altogether. He never acknowledges that his performances are being received poorly unless he is directly heckled, in which case he will merely fire back with a retort before continuing. After his shows, he will offer the crowd some of his recorded tapes for free, which is normally met with rejection. He can rarely be seen near the bar chatting with either Moley or a customer; in the latter case, it is only when they have been receptive towards his comedy.

Moley

A lanky humanoid whose head is a caricature of a rabbit. She stands approximately 3.8 m (12.1 ft) tall when fully upright. Her arms have an extra joint compared to most bipeds, and all of her visible points of articulation resemble those of a doll. People who have touched her have reported that her hands feel similar to a taxidermied animal. Though her voice is clearly projected from her face, her mouth does not move in any way when she speaks, and she is unable to emote beyond bodily gestures. There are stitches lining the base of her neck and the material covering her eyes, although she claims that they do not impede her or cause any pain.

Mickey

A humanoid whose head looks to be a bird's, possibly from the Ramphastidae family. Extremely handsome. While his proportions are broader than Moley's, he is still almost as tall, reaching 3.5 m (11.4 ft). Much like her, his mouth is permanently fixed in its open position, and his eyesight remains unimpaired despite the buttons that are directly sewn over the holes in his mask. His joints do not seem to have the same properties as Moley's, but this has not been confirmed one way or the other, as he typically wears long-sleeved suits.

The current iteration of Moley's was first entered into the database on March 2nd, 1999. It was initially filed as the Sub-Layer Level 33.1, a categorization that has since been revised after more evidence of its properties was gathered. It is suspected that its existence pre-dates this discovery by a significant margin and that its form has been altered over time. This is due to testimony from Moley herself in addition to scattered writings and hearsay from several other individuals. Most notably, a few members of The Originals have made offhanded remarks about a "traveling tavern" with a "lovely barmaid" and an "insufferable jester.”

Moley: Certainly. I died. I was shot four times, stabbed in the chest and neck, immolated, and finally doused with object-48Liquid Pain. Of course, Mickey used this as an opportunity to riff, which I have to say was some of his best material. After everything was said and done, the bar closed due to an emergency and shifted planes. We had to shut down for a few days in order to clean up.

Me: You're saying you were brought back to life, then? How? By what methods?

Moley: Sorry to tell you, but I don't believe I have a satisfactory answer for that. All I can say is that I'm still needed.

Me: And the perpetrator, he got away?

Moley: Yes. Of course, violence against anyone in the bar is strongly discouraged. It's one thing if it happens to us, but even then, it can be unpleasant for customers and damage our image. If there was an attempt on another patron, the attacker would be promptly kicked out. The real issue is that he consumed our liquor after he had already hit his limit. In doing so, he opened up an entirely new kind of tab, which I assure you has since been repaid in full.

Me: Thanks for your candidness. Well, those were all my questions, so I'll be going now.

Moley: Are you sure you don't want another drink? Something for the road, at least?

Me: No, thank you.

Do:

• Remember to wear a shirt and shoes.
• Relax once you find yourself inside.
• Enjoy conversation with Moley.

Don't:

• Drink beyond the responsible limit.
• Destroy or steal any property.
• Harm bar patrons or employees.
• Heckle Mickey. He works hard enough as is!23

Author:
written & voiced by ~ snailjail

Licensing:
drawing by ~ snailjail is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0
(freesound.org links are blacklisted by wikidot. you can search all sound effects using these names)
"Tape Player Sounds" by AldeberanCW is licensed under CC0
"Applause 2" by jayfrosting is licensed under CC0
"More Amusing" by Benboncan is licensed under CC BY 3.0
"classic rim shot" by rodincoil is licensed under CC0
"Dog squeak toy" by Jickle is licensed under CC BY 3.0
"DJ airhorn sound" by pfranzen is licensed under CC0
"wah wah sad trombone" by kirbydx is licensed under CC0
"Censor" by Xxx_d3x5n1p3r_xxX is licensed under CC0
"Rumble · fade in 10s" by unfa is licensed under CC0