SCP-5222 : Lord Explosion's Pyrotechnic Playground and Daycare

SCP-5222 was provisionally created by AIC.COLOSSUS5 on 2013-05-29 after Site-121 went offline with no SCUTTLE6 heartbeat7, which correlated to a concurrent spike8 in anomalous background entropy per AIC.WARHAMMER9.

The nature of the spike and rapid return to baseline did not match any known emissions signatures, and was determined with high confidence to be a Ruhiel-class Transitory Phenomenon10. MTF Nu-7 ("Hammer Down")11 was scrambled to the area per SCUTTLE Dead Man's Switch Protocol.

Transcribable crew: Team Ν-7-β (132 Members), Team Ν-7-Γ (132 Members)

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Two minutes out, fellas. We're dropping to visual range. Eyes up, head on a swivel. We haven't heard shit from this site in two hours and the AIs think there's a hostile force on the ground.

Ν-7-β-13 (Cpt. M. Cotes): So, nuke didn't go off? We'd see it from the air by now.

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Yeah, as far as we know, that's the case. 90 seconds, everyone. Para team, check doors.

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Check.

Ν-7-β-83 (Sgt. O. Velasquez): Ready, sir.

Ν-7-β-4 (Cpt. C. Cornell): Visual at 12 o'clock! What the fuck is all that, sir?

[Unintelligible chatter]

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Fuckin' god in heaven, it's beautiful. Let's get down there.

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Command, please confirm you have visual.

Area-14 Command: Negative, Major. Your telemetry's showing high entropy levels. I can hear you but we can't see you here, sorry. Be advised, WARHAMMER believes you're already in the bubble. Please report.

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Copy, that makes sense. Site-121 is not here, I think it's been displaced by—

[multiple explosions occur for approximately 27 seconds]

Area-14 Command: Swain! Fuck me, what was that? Report!

[raucous laughter, hooting and cheering]

Area-14 Command: Report! Hello? Somebody fucking tell us what's going on!

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): That was awesome.

Area-14 Command: Woods. I swear to G—

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Command, be advised Site-121 has apparently been replaced by…Lord Explosion's Pyrotechnic Playground…and Daycare?

Area-14 Command: It's what.

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Lord Explosion's Pyrotec—

Area-14 Command: I heard you, Woods. Where—Where is Major Swain?

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Right now? He's fist-bumping Velasquez.

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Narc. Command, be advised this place is way better than Site-121. Bravo team is going to form up and explore.

Area-14 Command: Explor— Major, you are in a pocket dimension. We just needed to confirm the site didn't pop and leak. You need to get out of there, do you want to get fucking stuck in Lord Explosion's Pyrotechnic Playground or whatever it is forever?

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain):

Area-14 Command:

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Y—

Area-14 Command: No! So if you're going to explore, fucking hurry up!

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): It's a fucking school. Command, I have a plaque here, Lord Explosion's Explosion School, founded 1388, Bearsted, quote here, "To Better Punch Your Masters, Explode The Struggle Within". Schoolmaster, Hieronymus Dave Lord Explosion Bearpuncher. What a name.

Area-14 Command: Copy, 1. Give us a minute to cross-check all that. Hier— Hieronymus Dave?

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Affirmative, command. Hieronymus Dave Bearpuncher.

Area-14 Command: Some people's parents, man…hey, we got a partial. Dave Bearpuncher, prime POI for GOI-2666, Bearpuncher Solutions. Uh…okay, this may not be the right one, there's nothing going back to 1388, but this Dave apparently gets up to some weird shit so, maybe? Pocket dimensions and all, that matches. Says he claims to have…invented Thursday? Had a big cover-up operation that Damn Feds had to do after Bearpuncher Solutions appeared on the NASDAQ selling Service as a Service. If this is your guy, he's got a shitload of brothers, too. So, some kind of Type Green with an explosion school.

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Badass.

Area-14 Command: …Yeah.

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): So, command, we've got a directory here. The place is shaped…well, like an old-timey bomb, like a cartoon bomb, with a little garden for the wick, it looks like. Let's see here, we've got Explosionology, Explosionography, History of Explosions, Explosion Appreciation, Theoretical Explosions, Lil' Sploder's Daycare…why's there a fucking daycare? Uh, then we've got Applied Explosions, this one just says Explosions but in big all-caps letters, Walking Away From Explosions In Slow-Motion, Team-Based Holistic Exploding Leadership, Expl—

Area-14 Command: We get it, Major.

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): Yeah there's a lot more.

Area-14 Command: Major, you may as well check the back, while you're there. The garden area you mentioned, that doesn't sound right.

Ν-7-β-1 (Maj. L. Swain): You're probably right, command. We'll stack up and see.

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Command, I'm point. Checking the exterior door.

Area-14 Command: Copy. Ready when you are, Sergeant.

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Good copy. Leaving in 3, 2, 1.

[loud unintelligible yelling]

Area-14 Command: Woods, report.

[yelling intensifies]

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Motherfuckers!

Area-14 Command: Woods!

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Command! What's your deal?

[loud unintelligible yelling]

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Gamma team is back here already and they're fuckin' grillin' out and drinking beer.

Area-14 Command:

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Command. Hello?

Area-14 Command: What is this fucking place, Sergeant?

Ν-7-β-66 (Sgt. X. Woods): Command, be advised, we are presently in Lord Explosion's Glorious Grilling Garden and Stripper Conservatory, which is connected to Beauregard Bearpuncher's Beer By The Bucket, quote, "Where Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions".

Area-14 Command: [unintelligible yelling]