SCP-6594 : Birthday Bash

The Bash

September 4th, 2010.

(Doctor Graham Grisham enters the Site-322 food court during his lunch hour. He approaches a table of his friends. The computer systems are beeping loudly. It's very annoying.)

It's my birthday today.

(He is not heard. The beeping is too loud.)

It's my birthday today!

(He is not heard. The beeping is far too loud.)

Hello?

Hey, what's up Graham, did you say something?

(Doctor Graham Grisham's head droops like a sad puppy.)

No.

Doctor Graham Grisham was very excited for his party. It looked like this year was going to be a surprise party.

(Doctor Graham Grisham knocks gingerly on Director Lague's office door. He is welcomed in.)

Hey, Mr. Lague.

How're you doing, Graham. What can I help you with?

It's my birthday today.

I don't know what you're talking about.

(Lague's computer begins to beep.)

One sec.

Something is wrong.

(Ten minutes pass.)

I think it got out.

I found a dog under my patio last night. It was being mean so I put it in a cardboard box and taped it shut. When it got out it scratched me.

Yeah, that always happens near my birthday.

Near what?

Nothing.

(Doctor Graham Grisham is sad.)

September 7th, 2010

(Doctor Graham Grisham knocks gingerly on Director Lague's office door. He is welcomed in. Doctor Lague is speaking quietly to Doctor Anthony Coix. The computer is beeping loudly.)

Hey, Mr. Lague.

Just give us a sec, Graham. This report says Sunday. It's Tuesday.

What? It's Sunday.

That's when my birthday was.

(Lague begins to type for 13 minutes.)

It's giving me an error.

Because you're trying to put the date as something that hasn't happened yet. If it hasn't happened yet you can't do it. It's basic logic.

Today is Tuesday. Wait, I see the problem.

Okay. It's Sunday.

Yeah. I got it now. The Lord's day.

Is that all?

Yeah. See you later.

(Doctor Coix climbs through the window to his office.)

How're you doing, Graham. What can I help you with?

It's my birthday today.

(Lague's computer begins to beep. He ignores it.)

You ever wonder if the stars are blinking or winking at you?

This isn't right. You're acting wrong.

Near what?

My birthday. It's today.

Today is Tuesday.

(Director Lague climbs through the window to his office. A blue streamer can be seen on the ground below. It's tattered, torn, and worthlessly blowing in the wind.)

November 9th, 2010

(Doctor Graham Grisham enters Doctor Coleman's office. He's working on a new project. On his desk is a half-eaten piece of marble cake. Mold and fungus have sprouted from it. Blue and white icing is still visible beneath the filth.)

Excuse me, Mr. Coleman. I'm wondering where the decorations are.

For what?

My birthday. It's today. I need to make my wish.

What are you talking about?

Today is my birthday. I want my blue and white decorations. I want my cake. I want my wish.

I watched this show on the Food Network last night. This guy was making a sandwich. Looked good — roast pork, I think. He looked a lot like you, Graham.

Mr. Coleman. It's my birthday today.

(Dr. Coleman jots notes for 17 minutes. He is beeping loudly.)

I'll take that into account. Thank you.

This is wrong.

Test Log

Feed subject into SCP-6594.

It's Doctor Graham Grisham's birthday today. That won't make a difference.

Removal of subject from Foundation employment.

It's Doctor Graham Grisham's birthday today. That would be very rude.

Wish Doctor Graham Grisham a happy birthday.

Pending.

September 4th, 2011

(Doctor Graham Grisham knocks gingerly on Director Lague's office door. He is welcomed in.)

Hi Mr. Lague.

(Director Lague is typing notes onto his computer. His fingers are moving very fast. The computer keeps beeping.)

Happy birthday, Graham.

(The computer stops beeping. Director Lague does not stop typing.)

Thank you.

(Director Lague dissolves into a pile of mush and goo.)

I hope my wish comes true.

(Doctor Graham Grisham sits in Director Lague's chair and begins to type very fast. His feet slosh in the liquid.)

Today is my birthday.

(The computer does not beep.)

Doctor Graham Grisham was discovered in a previously unknown sub-basement of Site-322. The door leading into the room contained a placard reading "CL-Class." There is no documentation for any section of Site-322 under this designation. Investigation into the internal mechanism of this room found that the door underwent a lock failure and was subsequently opened periodically over the previous four years. The room was filled with computer equipment dating back to 1974. All interfaces were loudly beeping; the purpose of this is unknown.

Grisham was covered in mold and fungus that had seemingly been growing for at least four years. His neck, ankles, and wrists were bound together by makeshift blue and white rope. Grisham died due to gorging himself on marble cake, wax candles, and paper streamers. Digestion did not take place, despite the autopsy ascertaining the time of death to be between 1-2 days before discovery.

September 4th, 2011

(Director Lague knocks gingerly on Doctor Graham Grisham's office door. He is welcomed in.)

Hey, Mr. Grisham.

How're you doing, Paul. What can I help you with?

It's my birthday today.

I don't know what you're talking about.

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